Twisted In Every Way
by Cececat
Summary: 12-year-old Victoria and her twin brother James are orphaned because of a freak "accident". But what will "dear little Victoria" do to get into the guild that wants her brother as a member? Be warned, it is rather disturbing at the beginning. Please Review!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Most of this belongs to Terry Pratchett. Some of the characters are mine, but everything else is Mr. Pratchett's. **

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><p>My name is Victoria… and I'm an orphan.<p>

I don't really mind.

I have an almost-identical twin brother named James. That is the only family I have left. I don't really care, though. Who needs family?

Most people, I guess…

The annoying thing is James got accepted into the Assassin's Guild.

They don't accept girls, so I didn't get in. It's really not fair! I knew I would have to do something about this…

So that's why I stabbed my brother in the chest the day before he was to begin training at the Guild.

People may say it's not normal for me to not feel guilt when I fatally wound someone. I think if I have a good reason it's fine.

I had a good reason to kill James. I was going to replace him! It was going to be an adventure, I was sure.

As soon as he stopped breathing, I chopped off my waist-length auburn hair with the bloodied knife. It was a bit gross, so I washed off the knife and my boyishly short hair with some water from the kitchen sink.

_They should not have left us alone here, in our parent's house! _I thought to myself as I dragged my brother's corpse into a nearby alley. I then went back inside and fell asleep for the last time in my childhood bedroom

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><p>The next day I woke up early and put on a simple button down shirt and trousers that had belonged to James.<p>

I walked to the Guild headquarters, which were very close to the street I used to live on. I grinned to myself as I knocked on the door.

A servant opened to door.

"Are you one of the orphans?" he questioned.

"I am James Collingwood," I replied coldly.

(Well… as coldly as a 12-year-old could while grinning, that is).

"Ah! So you are one of the new boys, then. Right this way…" he said.

He walked me through the halls and to one of the dormitories.

"Be warned… there is only one other student living in here. He is an orphan too, but he is a bit frightening… the others are a bit, er, afraid of him," said the servant.

"I'll be fine," I said coolly.

The servant walked off, shaking his head, as I opened the door to the room.

There were four beds, four dressers, and a boy sitting on one of the beds, reading.

"Hello!" I said cheerily.

"Hello…" he replied, grinning.

He turned toward me. I saw that one of his eyes was made of grayish-white glass. The other had a tiny pupil.

If I had _really _been my squeamish twin brother, I would have screamed.

I just faked a grin at him.

"My name is Jonathan Tea-ah-time-eh. What's yours?" he said innocently.

"I'm James Collingwood," I lied.

I think that's when the concept of love at first sight appeared in my twisted little brain.

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><p><strong>Authors note: please review! Also, tell me if this is too disturbing... <strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: The only thing that belongs to me in this story is Victoria and the plot. Everything else is Terry Pratchett's. **

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><p>In the dormitory, I choose the bed across the room from Jonathan's bed. I put all of the clothes I had stolen from James in a drawer.<p>

After I had settled in, Jonathan showed me around the school. It was summer break still, so there were less people and no classes going on. People we passed in the hallway moved away when Jonathan went near them.

He showed me the younger student's dining hall, the classrooms, the gym… _everything! _

When the tour was over, Jonathan took me to the dining hall for lunch. When we sat down, all the nearby students moved away slightly.

The cooks brought sandwiches, plates, water glasses, and pitchers of water to the tables. Right away, many of the students began to practically attack the plates. They devoured those sandwiches _very _quickly.

Jonathan and I ate elegantly and slowly. When we were done eating, Jonathan rubbed his glass eye by accident. It fell out of its eye socket…

Some people screamed, while I shot Jonathan a worried glance.

"Oops!" he giggled, popping the eye back into place.

We both began to giggle, while everyone else stared in horror.

"Did you think that was funny, James?" asked Jonathan.

"It was really funny," I said grinning.

"Good! Nobody else thinks I'm funny," he said, grinning cheerily.

I secretly wished he could know I was really a girl named Victoria. He was the best friend I had ever had. I hated lying to him! Still, it was necessary…

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><p><strong>Authors Note: I know that was pretty boring, but there needs to be a bit of filler before the excitement. <strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: The Discworld stuff belongs to Terry Pratchett. The "Little Shop of Horrors" stuff belongs to whoever owns the rights (I'm not sure who, actually)**

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><p>After <em>years<em> at the guild with Jonathan and I being the top of the class, we were given exciting new assignments. We were to fulfill contracts for the guild.

My assignment was pretty strange.

There was a little flower shop in an average part of town. In the basement of the little shop lived a man in his early 30s named Simon. His adopted father owned the shop, and it had become a rather place popular to buy flowers ever since Simon had introduced a new type of flower called the Ellen II.

The Ellen II supposedly looked more like a cabbage than a flower.

There were a lot of things to research about the little shop, though. I was supposed to inhume Simon in two weeks. He had a girlfriend named Ellen, whom he apparently named the Ellen II after.

Simon's adopted father was the one who wanted Simon inhumed.

He said that he needed to get his hands on the Ellen II, so he can earn more money. He seemed rather power-hungry.

Which is normal here in Ankh-Morpork.

A week before Simon had to die I had the perfect plan.

A day before Simon had to die I found the perfect knife.

An hour before Simon had to die I was on my way to the flower shop.

When I got there it was 10:30 in the evening. I went through the back entrance.

I silently walked through the backroom. Through the shaded backroom window, I could see someone who was most likely Simon… and a huge cabbage that looked oddly like it had a mouth.

I could hear an operatic soprano voice singing some sort of song.

"How'd you like to be a big whee-e-e-e-e-l-l-l-l?

Dining out for every me-e-e-e-e-e-a-a-l-l-l-l?

I'm the plant that can make it all re-e-e-e-e-e-a-a-l-l-l-l!

You gonna get it!" the voice sang.

I suddenly realized the cabbage was the one singing!

Simon suddenly started to sing in an overly dramatic baritone:

"I don't know… I don't know!

I have so many strong reservatio-o-o-o-o-n-n-n-n-s!

Should I go and perform mutilatio-o-o-o-o-o-o-n-n-n-n-s?"

I cringed at the sound of the last note.

I walked into the main shop.

"Hello, Simon. Welcome to the grave!" I giggled.

He jumped practically three feet in the air.

"Oh Gods, who are_ you_?" he said, shuddering at the sight of the knife in my hand.

"I'm your second-worst nightmare," I whispered dramatically.

The cabbage turned toward me.

"Second worst?" it asked.

"My best friend is your _worst _nightmare. Both my best friend and I are students at the Assassin's Guild" I explained gleefully.

Simon hid his face in his hands.

"Oh, gods! I don't wanna _die_! I can't! _Nobody_ else can take care of Ellen II! Who else knows it eats human flesh?" he cried at me, then said: "Oh, _shit!_"

"Goodbye, Simon… I said with a sigh as I stabbed the knife through his back.

By the time I left, his head was on the other side of the room and that bloody singing cabbage was practically cole slaw.

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><p><strong>Authors Note: That whole chapter was a ridiculous parody of the characters from "Little Shop of Horrors" (which is a really great musical). The character Simon is a parody of Seymour, Ellen is a parody of Audrey (Ellen Greene was the name of the Original Off-Broadway cast version of Audrey), and Ellen II (the cabbage) is a parody of Audrey II (the fly trap). <strong>


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